(VACUUM CLEANER HUMS)
I'm 30 today.
My mum got me up really early this morning to give me my present.
Yeah, this is it, actually. It's nice.
I'm into... I like ballet. I love the novels of Proust.
I love the work of Alain Delon.
And that's, I think, what influenced her
into buying me Hat FM.
I like the radio too.
Thats all right. It's all right. I think it's quite a sweet present.
I have to make sure Finchy gets here on time for the quiz tonight.
Seven o'clock on the dot.
Six... Six years in a row. Winners.
So er... you know...
Finchy!
Brent. All right?
Don't forget tonight. Oh, here we go. Straight away. Go on. Go on.
What's black and slides down Nelson's Column? Dunno.
Winnie Mandela? Oh, yeah, that's good.
No, it's not racist. I thought the column because he's... Yeah.
And she is black, and she probably... she's married. It's not even low.
Seven. Cheers. Bye.
What you doing in so early? Shit the bed?
No. I haven't done that for weeks.
No. My mum got me up at quarter to seven to give me a birthday present.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you.
What did she get you?
Something you can wear.
- The hat? - The hat, yes. Well done.
Hiya. All right?
- Happy birthday. - Thank you very much.
Ta.
- Uhh..yeah. - Nice hat.
Thanks.
Um... Good. That's all in order.
What's the difference between your wages and your penis?
I can find you lots of women who will blow your wages.
- What's that? - I don't know.
Why does that happen?
Lock up your daughters, as they say.
Finch is on his way in for the quiz.
Chris Finch. Innit, Gareth?
Yeah.
Keep that one you'll only be able to use 20% of it when you get me and him together!
Gareth, innit?
Hat.
- It's um.. Tim's birthday. - Oh, yeah?
To be honest, I think you're mad to let me and Finchy on the telly!
We're like Morecambe and Wise when we get together.
Actually not Morecambe and Wise, because there's no straight man,
there's no dead wood.
So, um... I'm more sort of character based, and he's more of a gag man.
I do gags as well.
But I mean, good together you know... by now.
We sort of read each other's minds when we're doing a bit of stick.
We just start cracking up, and people watching they go, "Why is that funny?"
We tell them why and they go, "Yeah. You are the best."
It's their opinion.
- Happy birthday by the way. - Thank you.
- Which one is it? - It's 30.
The big 3-0. That's the worst one, innit?
I know what you're thinking - "My youth's over."
I mean when I was 30, like you, I was going, "I'm in a rubbish job. My life's rubbish.
"Nothing good ever happens to me. When will it change?"
But, you know...
- Things do change..so.. - Mmm.
And it could be worse. There's a neighbour of mine, Kelvin...
he's 32 and he still lives with his parents.
- I live with my parents. - Cherish them. Really.
Because you will miss them when they're not around.
Both um...
Both of mine are dead.
Oh.
So er...
Dad isn't dead. He's in a home.
So as good as.
Shot to bits. He was um... Oh, God.
Called out the other night - three a.m. - by the nurses.
He was convinced there was a Japanese sniper on the roof of Debenhams.
Does that look into his room?
The back of the roof looks directly into his room, yeah.
Good spot. That's a good spot. That's where I'd be if I had to take someone out that lived there.
And I had to go up to the room with him, and go, "Look, Dad, there's no Japanese sniper."
- Who was up there? - No one was there.
It was his imagination. There was no one there.
Lucky. That's lucky.
Coz If there was a sniper, you wouldn't see him.
You'd be like, "Oh... oh... No one there."
Anyway, he is a vegetable now.
And that's something we've all got to look forward to. So,
Happy birthday.
See you later.
Wotcher.
Get him over.
Tim? Got you a pressie.
- Oh, thanks a lot. Thank you. - Happy birthday, mate.
Thanks very much Lee. You're a good man.
This is exciting.
This is big. Big and exciting.
It's a big, exciting, huge inflatable cock. Gawd.
- You can sit on that if you like. - Yes.
It's not just from me mate, that's from Dawn as well.
God you haven't got one already have you?
Um, no. You can never have too many anyway.
And you do prefer it to the money?
Yes. I'd only have spent it on a huge inflatable cock.
That is...
Stop playing with it! Did you get him that?
Brilliant. Oh, God, look at that.
- Let's have a look. - Doing, doing!
Ex-sperminate!
Oh, no, no.
Hello, Austin Powers. I'm the naked Mini Me.
I've got one. Thomas the Tank Engine rolled into town!
Dickhead.
Ringo Starr. Whose Line Is It Anyway?
Don't grab it unless you've got one ready coz it slows it down.
Oh, that is brilliant.
- Happy birthday. - Thank you.
Remember, you're only as old as the woman you feel.
- I say that sometimes. - Yeah I heard you say that the other day.
And i thought "ah he's using one of my catchphrases"
I don't mind influencing a younger comedian - you're not a comedian -
but, you know I usually credit someone if I use their comedy.
- What ones of yours do I use? - Same shit, different day.
That's mine.
Ex-squeeze me, instead of excuse me.
- Oh um, wank you very much. - Yeah. I invented that one.
Say that to a waiter or something. Wank you very much!
And here's one right. Witnesses that I started this one, right.
If someone's unlucky, you go, "I'm not saying he's unlucky,
"but if he fell in a barrel full of tits,
"he'd come up sucking his own thumb."
Suck tits? I thought you sucked knobs.
Do ya?
Got you!
They're cracking up.
Oh, God...
Yeah. There are limits to my comedy.
There are things I would never laugh at.
Um...
The handicapped...
because there's nothing funny about them.
Or any deformity.
Yeah? Um...
It's like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go,
"Oh, look at him. He's not able-bodied. I am. I'm prejudiced."
Yeah?
Well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded.
Unless he's not. It's difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.
So just give generously to all of 'em.
Guys? Don't forget to say happy birthday to Tim. Its today.
- And, also, we'll be going out for drinks later this evening. - What time?
Not tonight.
- Why? - Quiz.
Well, we can go out before. When does it start?
- Seven. Always. - ok. Well drinks at six then.
- Did you get him a gift? - No. But it starts at seven.
I know. Well, ok. Drinks at six.
- Shall I get him a card from you? - Whatever.
Finch is coming down, so got to be ready to go at seven, ok.
Drinks at six.
But starts at seven.
Drinks at six.
Studying? Quiz.
Are you a team again?
Just three of you, is it?
Yeah.
- Are you excited? First big quiz? - Ya. Looking forward to it.
It's not the first though.
I er... was on "Blockbusters".
- What, on the telly? - Yeah.
Were you one of the two or by yourself? Because..
If there's two of you, it's cheating because one of you is bound...
- Yeah. Just one. Just one. - Just one?.
Did you win anything or...?
Yeah. Two Gold Runs. Camping equipment, Walkman.
- I usually get five, to be honest. - Five Gold Runs?
But you know you have to answer loads of questions before...?
- Yeah, I do. - You'd get them all?
Give me one of the ones you had. Fingers on the buzzers.
Um... ok.
Right. Which Y was... Which Y had a hit single with "The Only Way Is Up"
- and sang with Plastic Population? - Yazoo!
- Yazz. - Yup.
- You said Yazoo. - I know.
What's your cut-off point? Yazz. I know.
Well but you said Yazoo first. You would have got it wrong on 'Blockbusters'.
- I wouldn't have said it on 'Blockbusters' so.. - You'd have been all right, then.
I'll give you one. A proper one. Um..
- Do you want a hand? - No no.
- Are you getting it? - Yeah. It's a tiny bit loud.
Sorry.
Oo can I have this when you've finished?
- Yeah you can have it. - When will you be finished?
I don't know. Maybe we could share it.
- Ok then. I'll just have it on weekends! - ok.
- This is gonna take forever... - No, it was going to be what D,
and the answer was going to be Dostoyevsky.
- I couldn't think of the question. - All right. Ok well um..
What D was a Russian dissident who wrote the novel "Crime and Punishment"?
- Would you have got that? - I'd have had a guess.
You don't get prizes for guessing.
Unlucky.
See you later.
You can't come in here. Quiz officials only.
- What are you doing? - I'm the quiz master and I'm doing the questions.
- Get out now or I'll report you. Simple as that. - Are these the questions?
Do not look at those! Right. Disqualification. You're both disqualified.
Um, Gareth, we're having an argument. We need your help.
- Yea not interested. - Well no listen coz you can help.
No. I dont want to help. I haven't got time to help. Allright?
- Right. It's about the army. - Go on, then, quick.
I was wondering
if a military man like you -
a soldier -
could you give a man a lethal blow?
If I was forced to, I could. If it was absolutely necessary.
If he was attacking me.
If he was cumming really hard.
Yeah. If my life was in danger, yeah.
And do you always imagine doing it face to face with a bloke
or could you take a man from behind?
- Either way is easy. - Either way.
And you could do a man from behind?
- Yeah. - Yeah. Lovely.
It's got an error - an offline error 324.
So I'm going to have to take the paper out.
And uh.. That comes out.
- Hiya. - Hiya.
You dont know about these? I'm trying to fix this. It's got an offline 243 error.
- No... - But I just.. I don't really know what that is so..
You know we were talking earlier about Dostoyevsky weren't we?
- Oh, yeah? - Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky.
- Born 1821. Died 1881. - That's right.
Just interested in that stuff about him being exiled in Siberia for four years wasnt it?
Well, I don't know much about that. I didn't cover it, really.
All it is is he was a member of a secret political party,
and they put him in a Siberian labour camp for four years,
so... you know.
Hang on. I read about it in er...
He wrote "House of the Dead".
And.. I think he put all his memoirs in that.
Didn't he?
Yup.
Oh, well.
So... you've dug your foxhole,
and you've pitched your tent...
they've discovered your camp,
and you're lying there, they've caught you with your trousers down,
and they've all entered your hole without you knowing.
No, because I'd be ready for them.
You'd be lying there waiting for it?
Yeah. Well, no. What's more likely is that I wouldn't be there
if I knew they knew where I was.
I'd be hiding, watching the hole, using it as a trap.
- You'd be using your hole as bait? - Yeah.
You're 30, and you're getting off on pretending Gareth's gay.
What?
Eh..What?!
I think she's been on the waccy baccy!
Oh... what's that?
It's very complicated. You open that, put that in there,
put that down there, and you...
- Hiya. ...push the green button.
Were we talking earlier about Dostoyevsky's "House of the Dead"?
- Yeah. I think we mentioned it. - Which he wrote in 1862.
I was just going to say, that of course it wasn't his first major work.
Wasn't it?
No. His first major work was "Notes from the Underground,"
which he wrote when he got back in St Petersburg in 1959.
- Really? - Yup. Definitely.
Well, of course, my favourite is "The Raw Youth".
It's basically where Dostoyevsky goes on to explain
how science can't really find answers for the deeper human need.
He does.
Anyway whatever happens it ain't going to be a flashy wedding.
- Heaven forbid. - No.
It'll just be a registry office you know. Save money.
Then we'll move in with my mum for a few months.
- Save on rent. - Yeah.
Let Dawn get a few kiddies under her belt.
Which'll be nice because then my mum can look after them.
And uh.. well then you'll probably go out and get a part-time cleaning job or something.
Got to dream the dream.
What's that?
I was just laughing at what Dawn said.
- Coz' you're such a big high flyer. - No I just...
I was laughing at her joke, that's all.
When you start getting a life mate, you can take the mickey out of ours all right?
- I'm not having a go. I'm just, you know. - No, it doesn't matter.
I don't mean to have a go at you. You're fine. You're fine all right? No worries.
- We've all had a coffee. - No worries.
Is it questions?
Is it an intro? What I'm saying is...
Oi! Finchy!
It's the time of month. When's it due?
Oh here we go. Fasten your seatbelts.
- There's not a seat belt big enough for you, you fat bastard. - All bought and paid for innit.
I'm not saying he's fat, but when he jumps in the air, he gets stuck.
I'm David Brent. I'm David Brent.
Jim Carrey on acid!
You know what they say, there's none so queer as folk.
- Or David Brent. - Oh, speak to yourself...
C'mon, spit it out - as your boyfriend said last night!
- I was just going to say it back to you. - Yeah, but I don't have a boyfriend. You do.
- Can't get a word in edgeways! - Can't get a what in edgeways?
- Ooh, matron! - You can have that one, lad.
Oh, that one always...
Oh, God.
Finchy.
Come and check out the opposition.
- Ricky, this is Chris. - Hello, mate.
Chris Finch. I heard about "Blockbusters".
You'll need more than that tonight. I heard about you and Dostoyevsky.
I read a book a week, so a question like that surely won't catch me out.
- While you're down there, love...! - Close, but harmless innit.
Christ. Give me half hour with her, I'll be up to my nuts in guts.
Sorry. Exactly which books do you read every week?
Science... Science and nature.
Everything on the Trivia board. All those different subjects.
In books.
This lot sound like they haven't read a book between them sometimes.
- College boys. - Bloody students. Waste of space.
"Oh, I don't do anything all day, but I need more money to do it."
Political.
Yeah. I had a job when I was studying, so...
Yeah, right! And what was your job?
Professor in charge of watching "Countdown" every day?
That's clever and funny. I bloody hate him now. That's why we get on I think.
Similar.
(MICROPHONE FEEDBACK)
Can I have everyone's attention, please?
Welcome to the seventh annual Wernham Hogg quiz night.
Current champions are this team here - The Dead Parrots.
- Fit enough to fly. - He sleeps.
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up daisies!
Monty Python.
- Question one. All right... - Wait hang on, Gareth.
We haven't got...
Oh, yeah. Tim's birthday today.
He's 30 years young - as I always say.
(APPLAUSE)
So what better way to celebrate than a battle of wits? So..
Speech!
ok. Question one...
In the mid 1960s,
the U.S. Army replaced all existing infantry guns
with the M-16 rifle, and which fixed-rate, repeat-fire machine gun?
- You what? - Just write the answer if you know it.
Next.
We've been quiz champions for six years now.
We nearly lost it two years ago, unjustly.
Because Gareth was quizmaster then and the question was,
what type of alien is Mr Spock?
And everyone put Vulcan, which is incorrect.
Mr Spock is half Vulcan, half human, ok?
And Gareth went, "Oh, look just everyone gets one point,"
I said, "No no, everyone does not get one point.
"Carpet Munchers don't get a point, Dr Wankenstein doesn't get a point.
"Steven Hawking's Football Boots don't Get a point. I do."
I had to go home to get a book to prove it.
They went, "Oh, yeah, you're right again. Well done. You've won. Sorry".
No apologies necessary. Let's get on with the quiz but..
Remember. Learn.
Ok. Question two.
In the song "19" by Paul Hardcastle,
he told us that the average age of a soldier in the Vietnam war was 19.
Hardcastle also told us the average age of a soldier
in the Second World War. What was it?
Gareth, are all these going to be about war?
No. I got loads of...
I got one on tennis, one on the Suez Canal. Loads.
Ok. Question three.
Which canal links the Mediterranean with the Red Sea?
Oh, I don't want to talk about Mr Spock. That was.. that was all sorted out then.
Questions were asked. Certain parties weren't happy.
The questions were solved. End of discussion.
All right? Don't rake up old graves.
I don't want to go through all that again about you know,
whether he's a Vulcan or a human or vice versa.
All I will say is what I said at the time. Ok?
Look at his ears.
How could you confuse Howard Jones with Nick Kershaw? Shame on you.
- Nick Kershaw's the little bloke... - Howard Jones was the one with the you know...
That whole round's about old entertainment.
Right? That whole round's about old entertainment.
It's all about like late..late '60s, early '70s.
- Which insect produces gossamer? - Sshh! Come on, man.
- Which insect produces gossamer? - What is that?
- I want you to answer, Finchy! - What is it?
It's a spider.
A spider is an arachnid. Not an insect. Yeah?
- Ha, yes! - Six legs or eight legs. Yeah?
- Thank you. Am I right? - Two out.
Shame on you.
Ha! Eight legs, six legs. Eight legs, six legs.
You just need to spend a few a terms at the university of life.
A spider is not an insect officially. Thank you.
(RICK) We'll see, we'll see, we'll see. We'll see when this is over.
People go, "Why is it important, a question about Mr Spock?"
I go, "It's like saying, Oh! I've got a new pedigree dog breed.
"It's half Alsatian, half labrador".
I go along to Crufts, I go "Can I enter this dog in the labrador section?"
"No." "Why?" "Because it's not a labrador." "Correct."
"Can I enter it in the Alsatian section?" "No." For the same reasons.
"Now get that dog out of my sight."
"Thanks, I will. You've proved my point."
And that's Crufts.
Who had a hit single with "Don't Speak"?
No Doubt. Yeah. I thought it might be. I thought it might be No Doubt.
Why did you say Four Non Blondes, then?
I got Hooty the Blowfish, so let's move on.
East... East Side.
Oi.
- I didn't know. - You do know.
Didn't know.
- Missed. - Did I?
I said No Doubt. It's the first thing that came in.
Then you're putting this thing in my mind.
Poison with your bloody Four Non Blondes.
- Eh? - Both good groups.
Just don't guess.
Think logical. Think.
There's no logic to music, it's art.
Is this the first time you've lost?
We're not losing. The right questions aren't coming up.
Well it's all part of a quiz isn't it? Isn't it supposed to be random?
Yeah well randomly awful.
- Tell you what. Next time I'll choose the questions. - Good quizmaster.
- Choose a topic. - Sport.
- What's the capital of Iceland? - Reykjavik.
- Is that still a sport? - You. All right. You. Capital of Borneo?
- Don't care. - See? It doesn't have one.
You didn't get any of those. (MOBILE RINGS)
- And they were random, yeah. - It wasn't really random.
(DAVID) Hello, Doctor.
He's asking after me?
No. There's no way I can get away now. I'm snowed under at work.
Can't you give him something to help him sleep?
Ok. Yeah.
Ok. Thanks. Oh...
You don't know who sang "In the Summertime" do you?
Mungo Jerry. Ok. Yup, yup. Cheers.
Ha ha! Very funny. Do you want to hear the results or not?
Ok. In position number four, Universally Challenged.
Third place goes to...
Malcolm and Dennis!
Er, which means that... Well...
It's a dead heat between the Dead Parrots and The Tits.
So tie-breaker situation.
Could you send one member of each of your teams up for a tie-breaker?
All right. Come and stand here. Tie-breaker question. Are you ready?
First person to shout out the correct answer wins.
All right? So, if you're ready.
Which Shakespeare play features a character called Caliban?
- "Macbeth." - No. Ricky?
- "Midsummer Night's Dream." "Hamlet." - You've had your go.
You said the first person to shout the answer wins. You didn't say you only had one chance.
- "The Tempest." - "The Tempest." He's got it!
There it is. Ladies and gentlemen, the winners.
That's Blockbusters!
You didn't say you only had one go.
You said the first person to shout out the answer wins. Yeah?
The first person. That's my point. Yeah?
Here he is. Chris Finch. Or is it Hamlet? Is it Macbeth?
Well maybe I'll write the questions next time and you can have this fat bastard.
- Banter. - No, it's not banter.
- It's not banter. Not now. - All right, ok so.. when we had the question,
name the Cuban leaderwho's been in power since the revolution in 1959...
- Fidel Castro. - You know it now yeah. What did you say?
- It's in that situation... - Tell them. What did you say then?
What did you say then? Go on.
Who's the Cuban leader?
Fray Bentos.
No wonder this place is going down the pan. You're a waste of bloody space.
Oi don't get at him just 'cause they beat you.
- They beat me? - Yes.
I could give you a list 50 things I could beat them at.
- Like what? - Like throwing.
Throwing. No. That's good.
The landlord of the Lamb pub in Chichester
challenges me to throw one of these little copper kettles over his pub.
So I go outside, take off my tie, tie it to the handle...
Did it go over?
Obviously. That's actually an official Territorial Army method
if you're in the jungle, except you'd use vines from the trees.
- Or do you use a kettle? - No, the equivalent. Coconut.
I will throw anything that you choose over this building.
- If I do it, we win the quiz. - New challenge.
- Double or quits. - It's a challenge.
So you choose anything, if he can throw it over, we've won the champagne,
- and that's it. That was the real quiz. - Choose one thing.
You really are a couple of sad little men. Aren't you.
Oh yeah they're sad little men? He's thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?
Do you want a challenge or not?
If I do it, we win the quiz we win the prize.
That's the real quiz.
You choose something. Choose something.
- A chair? - No, not a chair.
- Throw Gareth over. - No, seriously...
How about birthday boy? Throw him over.
- Throw his shoes over. - His shoes.
No, no!
It's just a challenge.
Tickle him! Tickle him! Tickle him!
Oi!
- Using the tie method? - Oh, no. The shoelaces.
- He's using the laces. - Bastard! I knew he would! I knew he would!
Typical. That'll work!
So, Finch...
- Thank you very much... - You'll get it back.
How are we going to know if it goes over?
Go and check. Sussed. Go on.
Right. Here we go.
Two... and three... and four...
- Hooray! - Oh, yes!
Looking good.
- Come on now. - Did it go over?
- Yeah. It came right past me.
The Wonder Horse!
Screw "Blockbusters"!
Screw Bob Holness and screw your Gold Run.
- I'm a loser. - You're shit, you're shit!
- That's the boss. - Yes, I am the boss.
Like Springsteen. Born to run. The Slough branch.
Your university education didn't help you there, did it now?
Let that be a lesson to you. Respect your elders
and do not fuck with the big boys.
- Life! Life! - Chuck his hat over.
No, don't this hat, coz' it's a radio as well.
What an office. What an office!
- Do you want any...? - Dawn lets go. See you, Tim.
See you later.